Trying to bring this back on top.
AGAINST: Card tricks
What is wrong with this world? First, the planet is on fire, and now, people are OK with being tricked? I’m talking about card tricks, the mischievous devil’s tool. It’s in the name: card TRICKS. You TRICK people into thinking you are superior and possess magical powers. Next thing you know, you’ll be bowing down to a guy riding a giraffe wearing a koala as a shirt, because he DEMONstrated his other worldly powers on your terribly limited conscience.
Basically, card tricks are evil. You know what else is evil? Witches. Witches burn. What else burns? Cards. So if the magician weighs as much as 38 card packs, he’s a witch, and thus, must be burned.
Which brings us back to my first affirmation: the planet is on fire. Why? Because the world finally woke up and started mass-burning card packs and witches. The problem is being solved, and I can finally rest assured that the planet isn’t in any real danger…
[The author was later found dead in his apartment, with a note saying: "38, I am. 38, I am. 38, I must. Save. The. World.]
FOR: Global Economy
AGAINST: Comic Books
AGAINST: Having Scissor hands