Community Writing Contest #3

The time has once again come to grab your feathered quill and stare in agony at the unfathomable terror of the blank page. Yet another writing contest is upon us.

I’m going to follow the format of the first one this again. For the uninitiated, here are the rules.

  • At the end of this post and in other people’s posts you will find lists of three things, each accompanied by FOR or AGAINST. You must choose one from somewhere in the thread and write a short piece arguing why we should have that respective opinion about that respective item.
  • Put your entry in a spoiler, which you can add using [details="TITLE_GOES_HERE]TEXT_GOES_HERE[/details] or by clicking the cog in the post editor and choosing Hide Details.
  • After your entry, add three new items, each with FOR or AGAINST attached, for others to use.
  • You can enter as many times as you want.
  • I will choose the winner and perhaps runners-up two weeks from now.
  • I reserve the right to remove posts dealing with or suggesting topics which may cause controversy or offense. The point of this is not to argue your actual opinions, however mad they may be, but to argue like a madman about something ridiculous.

As before, here’s another example of my own work here.

Eye on the Ball

Consider, if you will, meteorites.

In February 2013, a small asteroid entered our atmosphere and exploded above the town of Chelyabinsk, Russia. A white fireball sliced across the sky with the power to shatter windows miles away.

This was a small one. At the same time, a significantly larger asteroid ran the gauntlet between our planet and the moon. An asteroid that size would have likely wiped out most life on Earth. Stray rocks like this pepper our solar system, playing interplanetary pinball where the stakes are our lives. If one hits, we’re toast.

So I ask: how much money do you think all the countries of the world have spent on measures to prevent such a thing happening?

As it turns out, in all of history across all nations, we have spent the equivalent of one third of Wayne Rooney’s annual salary. What the hell are we doing? Why are we pouring so many resources into letting a bald man kick a synthetic dead pig around a fake grass rectangle, when we should be watching the violent lumps of rock that actually matter?! It’s capitalism gone stark raving bonkers! Ah yes, we may have perished in a fiery post-apocalyptic hellhole, but at least we got some entertainment out of people with sculpted plastic for wives running about like ninnies and pretending to fall over for sympathy!

So, make your choice: lower salaries for football players, or death.

As you can see, this piece’s prompt was FOR lower salaries for football players (that’s soccer for Americans). I believe my information was correct at the time of writing, but I won’t stand by that. It’s for fun, it’s not meant to be accurate.

Please also read the previous contest with this format for more inspiration.

Finally, here are three topics to get you started. Good luck!

FOR: Snakes, everywhere.
FOR: That sudden, earth-shattering moment when you remember Harrison Ford is one day going to die.
AGAINST: Writing.


Thanks for the new round, Oliveriver.

AGAINST: Writing

People think writing is fun, but I don’t think so. It’s a long, grueling task which consists of repeatedly rubbing a graphite stick encased in a wooden shaft on a piece of wood pulp over and over, using specific symbols to give meaning to your lines, until the symbols are put together in such a way that they imbed thoughts into the poor sap that decided to start deciphering the symbols in the first place.

Sounds overwhelming when I put it like that, right? And typing isn’t any better. The graphite stick becomes buttons with the symbols on them, and the paper becomes the computer screen, which is essentially a bunch of light bulbs that light up or not, according to the computer commands, to create different images with 3 simples colours: red, green and blue. Although the proper shade would rather be magenta cyan and green, RGB is more common.

And with computer colours, come printers. Ah, printers. Where to begin? How about with the monopoly of the ink industry, which is the reason why replacing ink cartridges costs more than the printer itself. Speaking of printer cartridges, let’s discuss HP’s shameful business practices. Looking past the overpriced cartridges, let’s look at “expiry dates”. Why would cartridges expire? Is it so they force a constant demand on the market? NoOo, they would never do that! Instead, they force your ink cartridges to idly drain themselves while not in use inside the printer, which will refuse to function if the ink level is under 25% capacity, which sure is a waste, considering they are ONE USE.

My points have been stated, writing is awful and sinful because rubbing graphite on mashed wood paste gave life to a disgusting market of awful corporations. You are now free to burn all your work as an attempt to boycott writing.


FOR: Deleting YouTube

AGAINST: Writing

Writing is the WORST thing invented by humans, and that’s why…

Writing makes you sit in front of a notebook or a PC for a long time… you could use for activities that would make you productive just to after that you erase everything because IT WAS HORRIBLE. And that’s not my only argument: Have you ever thought in school: “Why is this so boring?” when you were learning a “boring and useless” subject?
Well, it’s not because the subject, teacher are tedious or because you are lazy. IT’S BECAUSE THE ONLY THING YOU DO IS LISTEN AND WRITE, LISTEN AND WRITE, COPY THE WORDS WRITTEN IN THE BLACKBOARD! There are a lot of better ways to learn, like learn by practicing, it’s better and less boring!

But you think: How we’re gonna register things? By drawing, speaking, singing (I don’t know why do someone wants to do this, but it’s better than writing) etc…

And you think: And poetry, books, letters and this kind of stuff? These things were made for everybody thinks that writing is useful, but it’s not!! For example: poetry and books are entirely useless, and why do you need letters if you can just talk to the person personally?

And if you still think writing is useful, GO TO BELGIUM!!!

FOR: Drug traffic

Edit: Oh no I’m too late.

1 Like

i think humanity has become to reliant on mugs. they used to just hold coffee but now people are using them for everything water, juice, plants you name it! it is clear that mugs are sentient!!! and that they are plotting to destroy humanity and take over THE WORLD!!!

we must destroy the mugs before they destroy us! they already have infiltrated our homes! and restaurants! i saw it in the war. mugs! not people! were inside of the command posts. they all just said that the people evacuated and left the mugs and that i was insane!!!

i am not insane. i see them every where they haunt my every waking moment they follow me. they think i do not notice the mugs appearing in my cabinets! on my desk! the people around me all say i’m crazy but they were all working for the MUGS!!!

so rationally i moved to the swamp and started attacking the mugs’ bases such as carafes and mug factories and the mug store.

FOR: lobsters

1 Like

there is no indifferent, there is only for and against.

1 Like

I can put indifferent back if anyone wants. I only took it out because it didn’t really work for people last time.

To be frank, I really don’t care about cars. I mean, they do contribute to climate change, but they help us travel faster than ever before. Why don’t I care about them? Because I don’t drive cars and I never will. I never go outside. I’ve been trapped in my lair for days, weeks, months? I don’t know for how long I’ve been stucked in here, I’ve forgot to count some days! I don’t care about cars, I only care for my mental sanity!
Some while ago, I’ve tried to communicate to the outside with my radio, only reaching cars’ radio. Though, nobody ever answers from those cars, which is another reason I don’t care about them. “They even ceased communications to us, but I don’t know… POW!”


FOR: Oblivion
AGAINST: Nothingness

It’ll be easy, alright? :-] :crazy_face::rofl:


I honestly don’t want indifferent to return, they just result in “Yeah, it exists but I don’t care” posts.
Where’s the passion? Wheres the love? (Or hatred)

1 Like
Well, I think I have quite succeeded at writing an indifferent post. Anyway, let’s continue, shall we?

Here is my entry, I hope you enjoy >:D



The amazon is a huge forest in south america. Not only is it a forest, it is a rainforest. This of course means it rains all the time, making it a literal mudhole. Through it flows the next biggest river in the world. Seeing as it’s only the next biggest river in the world, means to me that it has failed in every level. The place sucks so badly that it can’t even get the first place for longest river. Anyways, here are some descriptions of what goes on in this hellhole they call the amazon.

The flora:
Every single tree in the amazon is an egotistical bastard. They grow so tall and wide, that they leave the smaller, younger trees in the shadow. Unable to get sunlight these small weaklings die out. This means that most of the trees in the amazon are baby killers and therefore should be burned at the stake. Also there exists the leeches known as wines. The little idiots can’t grow very tall themselves, instead, like the proletarians they are, they cling to the taller trees and sucks them dry of nutrients.

The fauna:
This is where the meat of the problem is, the idiot animals of the amazon. First off we have the jaguar, which is basically an overgrown house cat. This means that if you are lost in the amazon, the easiest way to defend yourself is to distract these stooges with a laser pointer. There is also the snakes. Why in the world don’t they have legs. What’s the point of being a long, legless reptile with heat vision? How about you just get better eyesight? These pointless long movers, slither about aimlessly in the wilderness until they, simply by luck, manage to come across something they can eat. The final thing on the list is the electric eel. These too are obviously completely useless as well. Studies show that they only have enough power to light a christmas tree. Well congratu-fucking-lations you moron, you lit a christmas tree. How about you start becoming more useful for society instead of this stoogery.

The amazons:
This is the last point of my list of reasons for why I am against the amazon as a whole. This is also where we see the biggest flaw. Now, I don’t personally know any amazons, so instead I have done my research by watching DC’s Wonder Woman. This group of women live in complete isolation to the rest of the world. They seem to be stuck in the bronze age and focus on nothing but fighting. How about you stop fighting and start specialising? This way you wouldnt be a backwards society which still worship the imbecile god of thunder; Zeus. During my research, I witnessed how german soldiers managed to wipe out almost all of the amazons, so good job with the combat training you guys. Also, there only seem to be women in this society, so reproduction seems to be impossible. It is implied that these idiots seem to live forever, yet they don’t know a damn thing about anything. Back to reproduction. I have a theory that these women work in the same manner as the clown fish. When there are no member of the group with the opposite sex, they simply change sex. Otherwise their existence doesn’t make any sense. Who else has something in common with the clownfish? Pennywise the clown, which means that the amazons and Pennywise the clown are more or less the same thing. If members of your society resemble a Stephen King antagonist, you deserve to be wiped clean off the surface of the earth.

So yes, we have to get rid of this idiotic place, and my solution is simple; Nuke them from orbit, it’s the only way to make sure.

AGAINST: Card tricks
FOR: Mobility scooters

1 Like

Trying to bring this back on top.

AGAINST: Card tricks

What is wrong with this world? First, the planet is on fire, and now, people are OK with being tricked? I’m talking about card tricks, the mischievous devil’s tool. It’s in the name: card TRICKS. You TRICK people into thinking you are superior and possess magical powers. Next thing you know, you’ll be bowing down to a guy riding a giraffe wearing a koala as a shirt, because he DEMONstrated his other worldly powers on your terribly limited conscience.

Basically, card tricks are evil. You know what else is evil? Witches. Witches burn. What else burns? Cards. So if the magician weighs as much as 38 card packs, he’s a witch, and thus, must be burned.

Which brings us back to my first affirmation: the planet is on fire. Why? Because the world finally woke up and started mass-burning card packs and witches. The problem is being solved, and I can finally rest assured that the planet isn’t in any real danger…

[The author was later found dead in his apartment, with a note saying: "38, I am. 38, I am. 38, I must. Save. The. World.]

FOR: Global Economy
AGAINST: Comic Books
AGAINST: Having Scissor hands

1 Like
It would have been cool if someone used my post to answer (Community Writing Contest #3)…

You got it chief.

FOR: Oblivion

Space. The void. Emptiness. What does it invoke for you? Fear? Mystery? Morbid curiosity? I am personally fascinated by the wonders of space, and the scientific progress in the domain. More than 50 years ago, humans first stepped on our only natural satellite, and 58 years ago, the first man traversed a border no one ever dared to cross, that of space…

Now, with our planet’s atmosphere in steep decline, people are second-guessing humanity’s survival, and some want to go as far as abandoning this planet and settling on another. If people are losing faith when there’s still a chance, they’re the problem. A dying flower won’t water itself.

As fascinating as space is, Oblivion is also an awesome game (I’ve never played it, but the joke was too good to pass up).

FOR: Butter
AGAINST: Weather

1 Like
Against: Weather

Anyone have just THAT friend? You know the one, where you just have to say “no, changing your laugh/clothes doesn’t count as a personality trait”. Well, weather is that, just anthropomorphized… and it’s not alive.

“Change is inevitable”, my ass, I won’t stand for sleet. Does the universe not understand that we would much rather be stuck with the monotony of the scorching sun or omnipresent downpours than having to send up a whole balloon into the atmosphere to “predict” the upcoming storm?

I’m sure you are all going to say that air fronts exist and meteorology is a legitimate science. To put it shortly; I don’t think I’ve ever heard such bull in my life.

Weather exists for the specific purpose of making me angry. I’d much rather have a static, lifeless atmosphere than any form of rain, fog, or humidity.

In short, I think the real storm coming is my wrath against the properties of this universe.

For: Minecraft posters
Against: Contained units of moisture
Against: Neon based life forms

Have fun with this one


I forgot we’d already reached the two weeks mark for this contest, and since I have many other things to do today I’m going to take the lazy way out and extend the deadline until tomorrow. So this is your one day warning.

AGAINST: Having Scissors hands

Who in the :belgium:ing world would want to have this kind of hands? It’s weird and can harm other people!!

You can’t hold other person hands, write, wear clothes without cut the fabric and you can’t fight, because who person would fight a man who have scissors instead of hands?

Death is the only solution.

FOR: Nuclear weapons
AGAINST: Europa (Jupiter moon)

Here we are then, in the fading light of another round of crazy opinions.

Once again we have plenty of fruit to pick from. Thanks to everyone who entered, and apologies for my tardiness with the deadline.

But the most important question yet remains unanswered: who wears the crown this time?


#3 - AGAINST: Amazon (@Naggorath)

Naggorath once again let his strange and crooked imagination fly with an impassioned case against the most beautiful, important and idiotic ecosystem on the planet. Hmm. I’ll have to take points away here for nearly convincing me of an opinion that’s really not good to have right now. Too successful, you might say.

And you really have to give credit when an argument about rainforests can effortlessly segue into a sentence like, ‘If members of your society resemble a Stephen King antagonist, you deserve to be wiped clean off the surface of the earth.’

#2 - AGAINST: Writing (@OmnipotentFNarr)

Writing bad. Me understand now. Me stop putting effort in and it now much better. Me no buy printer. Instead me be serious and ‘discuss HP’s shameful business practices’ in silly rant.

#1 - AGAINST: Weather (@Magic8Ball04)

I’m a sucker for any rant that begins as casually annoyed as, ‘Anyone have just THAT friend?’ That friend is weather, and as I sit in the cold with rain and wind battering my windows I’m very much in agreement with Mr 8Ball here. ‘Weather exists for the specific purpose of making me angry’ is the most perfect line ever written, change my mind.

Luckily for us, thanks to our equal hatred of the Amazon, weather will soon be a thing of the past, replaced by endless scorching sunshine and total societal collapse. Societal collapse, you say? Ooh, we can get rid of writing too! Three for one deal!

Let’s just hope we finish Thrive before all that happens.


Congratulations to @Magic8Ball04 and the others for yet more highly enjoyable diatribes. Since I’ll inevitably run this again sometime, do we want this format again or should I try something different?


I like this format, but I am curious to see what other iterations are possible.

1 Like

I did it boys.
proceeds to place crown on head


congrats to Magic8Ball04! I am once again looking forwards to the next. I think at some point we should try something really wicked; Co-write a story. What I mean is, that each person competing takes turn to write something like 500-1000 words and the person who writes the best part wins? :smiley: