My only criticism is that the section at the end where Jordan is suffocating seems really devoid of tension. You’d think that if someone is suffocating the pacing would pick up a little and people would scramble to do something about it! At the very least some more exclamation marks would be warranted!
Other than that I just wanna say I can tell you’ve improved a lot since the first chapter. The newer ones are so much more stylish and readable. Obviously if you actually want to publish this you should treat this as only the first of many drafts, get an editor, etc. If only because a book that’s available for free on some forums wouldn’t sell lol.
I for one would totally get this book if you could turn it into a polished final product!